I've got family and friends who live in Oklahoma, and so I have been keeping an eye on the earthquakes they've been having there this week. That entire state is going through mother nature's sick, twisted games.
Last weekend, they had a freeze, earthquakes, and tornadoes all in the matter of three days. This is in a state that never quite recovers from the last devastating fire/drought/ices storm/tornado/hottest summer on record before mother nature unleashes the next surprise. The earthquakes are definitely the shit sprinkles on top of their shit cupcake of natural disasters.
My life has been a lot like Oklahoma in the last year since our miscarriage, and I keep thinking that I'm going to catch a break just around the next corner. I was practically perky during my IVF cycle, which I don't think is a normal emotional response to being constantly prodded in your uterus, stuck with needles, and pumped full of hormones. My positive attitude was a direct result of thinking that I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Instead, we had another earthquake yesterday morning. On my potty run in between Student Council and first period, I noticed that I had started bleeding; my world was shaken apart. It turned out to just be spotting, but, combined with three big, fat negatives (BFN) on home pregnancy tests, I knew that my hope was unfounded. This was not going to be a happy ending. Our Wise-embies didn't take hold in my uterus. Our family is going to be just two people for another year.
The aftershock came today. I had to go into my RE's for a blood test anyway, even though I knew exactly what was going on with my body. "Well, you need to complete your file. Plus, you never know," says the unhelpful nurse.
So, in between our end-of-the-day tornado drill and practice lock-down drill--what is our world coming too?--I finally heard back from the RE. Sure enough, it's a negative. My world was rocked, but just a little. I'm not even shocked.
So, I texted my support group, which grew leaps and bounds throughout the process, to let them know what was up. I arranged for Wisehubby to eat dinner with my in-laws, since I have to go to my graduate class, where I happen to be typing this blog. I found Wisehubby before I left for the day, told him the news, gave him a big hug, and left him still shaking.
What am I going to do after my earthquakes? Maybe I'll weep and cry and gnash my teeth. Maybe I'll come up with a new action plan.
Let's just hope that a tornado doesn't blow through.
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