Eight

I'm ecstatic about how we have eight excellent quality embryos growing on day three. Eight is an auspicious number, and I have such a good feeling about all of this. It is beginning to feel like all of Wisehubby's pain last winter is coming into fruition. Either that, or I was right when I flipped through my organized curriculum binder and told Wisehubby, "We can finally get pregnant now that I've figured out how to stay organized at work."

Silly Ovaries

As of this time tomorrow, I should be about twenty eggs lighter, which is no joke because as of Monday, the sonographer--who is normally one of the most confidence inspiring medical personnel I've ever met--temporarily mistook my left ovary for my right. "Silly ovaries," she quipes, "you're too close together!"

Ah, shit! My ovaries are so swollen that they had seemingly merged on the sonogram machine. What?

My meds dropped down to the bare minimum dosage for Saturday and Sunday nights, and we were rewarded on Monday with thick uterine lining, growth on the follicles that were more mature on Saturday, and slowed growth for the immature follicles. My right ovary is out-producing my left, both in size and quantity. Either way, my sonographer swears that I'm overachieving and doing great. They scheduled me for a 7:30 trigger shot on Monday, which meant no more Lupron, Follistim, or Menopur. I also dropped the Lovenox, but that will come back tomorrow night.

Hurricane Sandy kept one of my very favorite people in town for a few extra days, so instead of quietly triggering at home, like last time, I packed up my insulated lunch sack and headed out on the town. I triggered in the women's restroom at a Turkish restaurant, which is probably weirder for a Texas girl than the sports bar of yester-cycle.

Today was a great day at work, despite a rough parent phone call, and I finished it up with a late meeting with my district curriculum writing team. I work with some amazing men and women, and it was really nice to see them all in person and hear their well-wishes for our retrieval tomorrow.

I'm just a little anxious, and I'm determined not to toss and turn, so I am just watching Dancing with the Stars and trying not to notice my seriously swollen, very silly ovaries.

It burns like hell

It burns as bad or
worse the nurse
warns, matter-of-fact.
Where am I supposed to
put four shots a day?
My already inky belly?
The fleshy bit of
my thigh.

Every night,
Every morning
he watches as I
stick myself.

It burns like hell.

IVF Playlist

I've got a new playlist for this IVF cycle, so I thought I'd take you through it a bit so you can get a glimpse into Wisehubby's and my head space, as well as our sense of humor.

The first part is an ode to the money woes.

"Circumstances", Shemekia Copeland
The words say it all:  Circumstances in control of my life; circumstances gonna rule me till the day I die.

"Billionare", Glee Cast Version
Proof that I'm a nerd: I don't even know who originally sang this song, nor do I care to find out. Why? Oh, I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad, buy all of the things I never had.

"Bills, Bills, Bills", Destiny's Child
I kind of want to shout this at the male Dr. B sometimes: Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo'bills? Then maybe we can chill. I don't think you do, so you and me are through.
OK, here comes my fucked up section. Enjoy the cray-cray!

"Bitch Went Nuts", Ben Folds
Oh, the bitch went nuts, but everyone thought she might, oh holy fucking shit. It's the stress that makes me crazy, not the drugs. I am prone to crazy ass mood swings, even when I'm not on the hormone therapy yet. Explain that one to me!
"Artificial Nocturne", Metric

I'm as fucked up as they say. I can't fake the daytime, found an entrance to escape into the dark, got false lights for the sun. It's an artificial nocturne, an outsider's escape for a broken heart. I'm me. All that I believe, I set myself free. So take all the time you need, and let yourself be.

"Scar Tissue", Red Hot Chili Peppers
Blood loss in a bathroom stall, southern girl with a scarlet drawl. Wave good-bye to ma and pa 'cause with the birds I'll share, with the birds I'll share this lonely view. With the birds I'll share this lonely view. 

This southern girl actually stopped in a bathroom stall at a place called Country Burger to take a pregnancy test during her miscarriage. How fucked up is that?

"Breaking the Girl", Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Twisting and turning, your feelings are burning. You're breaking the girl. She meant you no harm. Think you're so clever..."

"Annie Wants a Baby", Red Hot Chili Peppers
Annie wants a baby now. Annie wants a baby any way she can. Missing pieces, she's got a lot of em.
Time decreases, I wish I thought of em before. Before it's time to close the store. Oh yeah. Installation,
A lonely sink of fame. Some liberation, the only seed we ever plant. I wanna help you but I can't. No, no.

"Hallelujah", Jeff Buckley
Baby I've been here before. I've seen this room and I've walked this floor (you know). I used to live alone before I knew you. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

Enough wallowing, here comes the upswing! Wisesister will be so proud! Also, can you tell that my favorite band of all time is Red Hot Chili Peppers? Weird, right?

"Factory of Faith", Red Hot Chili Peppers
Be my wife, I think you right that we should mate. Tell your friends, I got a factory of faith. Late last night, I had a dream that it was great. Tell your friends, I got a factory of faith. I got a factory of... Faith. And love.
"Let Go", Frou Frou

So let go. Jump in. Oh well whatcha waiting for? It's all right 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
"When We All Get to Heaven", Brad Paisley
Let us then be true and faithful, trusting, serving every day; Just one glimpse of Him in glory will the toils of life repay.

"View from Heaven", Yellowcard

And I'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here. And if we all believe in heaven, maybe we'll make it through one more year down here.

"Way Back into Love", Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett

All I wanna do is find a way back into love, I can't make it through without a way back into love, and if I open my heart to you, I'm hoping you'll show me what to do, and if you help me to start again, you know that I'll be there for you in the end!

"Book of Love", Peter Gabriel

The book of love is long and boring and written very long ago. It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes and things we're all too young to know. But I love it when you give me things, and you, you ought to give me wedding rings.

"Such Great Heights", Iron and Wine

They will see us waving from such great heights, 'come down now,' they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away. 'Come down now,' but we'll stay...

"Broken Road", Rascal Flatts

Now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms. This much I know is true: That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

"In the Waiting Line", Zero 7

Wasting my time in the waiting line. Do you believe in what you see? Nine to five, living lies, everyday, stealing time.

"Haven't Met You Yet", Michael Buble

I'm not surprised. Not everything lasts. I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track. Talk myself in. I talk myself out. I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it. I came up with a million excuses. I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out. And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get. I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing,  And the other half's luck. Wherever you are. Whenever it's right. You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing. And baby your love is gonna change me. And now I can see every possibility...

They say all's fair in love and war, but I won't need to fight it. We'll get it right and, we'll be united...

I just haven't met you yet. Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get. (I said love, love, love, love...) I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.

"Many the Miles", Sara Barielles

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood, wishing that blue would just carry me away. I've been talking to God. Don't know if it's helping or not, but surely something has got to got to got to give 'cause I can't keep waiting to live.

How far do I have to go to get to you? Many the miles, many the miles. How far do I have to go to get to you? Many the miles. But send me the miles, and I'll be happy to.

"Happiness Loves Company", Red Hot Chili Peppers

Make time for love and your happiness. The mothers of invention are the best. We all learn and struggle with some loneliness. A tender mess for everyone I guess.

"God Put a Smile on your Face", Coldplay

Where do we go? Nobody knows. Don't ever say you're on your way down when God gave you style and gave you grace and put a smile upon your face.

"Dog Days are Over", Florence and the Machine

The dog days are over. The dog days are done. The horses are coming, so you better run.

"Ever Ever After", Carrie Underwood
Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true. Deep down inside we want to believe they still do. And a secret is taught, it's our favorite part of the story. Let's just admit we all want to make it to ever ever after.

Starting your fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve. Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe, unafraid, unashamed. There is joy to be claimed in this world. You even might wind up being glad to be you... Though the world will tell you it's not smart... The world can be yours if you let your heart believe in ever after.

No wonder your heart feels it's flying. Your head feels it's spinning. Each happy ending's a brand new beginning. Let yourself be enchanted, you just might break through to ever ever after...

"Dance, Dance, Dance", Red Hot Chili Peppers

Dance, dance, dance, dance! All night long, yes all night long! Dance, dance, dance, dance! We got strong, yes we got strong!

"What I am", will.i.am and the Sesame Street monsters

If what I am is what's in me, then I'll stay strong; that's who I'll be, and I will always be the best"me" that I can be. There's only one me, I am it. Have a dream, I'll follow it. It's up to me to try. Oh! I'm a keep my head up high, keep on reaching high! Never gonna quit! I'll be getting stronger. And nothing's gonna bring me down! (no!) Never gonna stop, gotta go. Because I know, I'll keep getting stronger.

"Damn Girl", Justin Timberlake

That's got me saying, "Damn girl, you're so fine!"

What's the plan, Stan?

Yesterday we had our final meeting of Dr. B(alls). Wisehubby will continue to go to him to be monitored for his hormone therapy, but we have beaten down the limited doors available to us on the male fertility end. Dr B(alls) admitted that although so many things have improved for Wisehubby--his ratio of estrogen to testosterone, count, motility, density--the morphology issue is likely to remain a permanent one, even with an otherwise mostly successful varicocele repair. He says that Wisehubby's case still indicates IVF with ICSI, and referred us back to our reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

I think Wisehubby is still disappointed that he went through so much pain and suffering, and we are still in the same place we were a year ago. I get the sense that he sees this as his problem that I must pay for with my body undergoing harsh procedures. Of course, that's not how I see the whole thing--it's OUR problem that we must work towards fixing through every possible treatment--but my opinion is neither here nor there.

Wisehubby is dreading the return of the twice daily sticks and frequent transvaginal ultrasounds because he loves me dearly and would gladly go through varicocele repair again if meant that he could spare me the pain and discomfort. Fortunately, after eight years together, I love him more deeply than ever, so I am down right eager for the twice daily sticks and frequent transvaginal ultrasounds because I know that the pain and discomfort is something that I can do to help us both achieve our dream of a family of three (or maybe even more!).

That brings me to today, where we met with our RE, the male Dr. B, to plan for our second IVF cycle. He remembered that we're both teachers, and made a point to honor our time and financial limitations in the creation of our plan. He spent time carefully reviewing the spreadsheet of medicine that Wisehubby had compiled so as to not spend money on unnecessary prescriptions; he "donated" some progesterone gel to us. We felt better about his bedside manner this time around, but maybe we're just used to his gruff, matter-of-fact nature. Maybe we were just so ready for a new plan that we over looked his less pleasant features.

So, what's the plan, Stan?

Our new plan will start with a fresh mock transfer, an ultrasound procedure done with a full bladder. There was a looming threat of some sort of uterine "stretching" which I hope does not come to bear. After that, it will be a waiting game for my next menstrual cycle, where I have my blood drawn for my FSH levels and then start on birth control to regulate my strangely short periods, and blood thinners to protect me from blood clots from my Factor V disorder. About three weeks later, I will start lupron to prevent ovulation. At the onset of my second menstrual cycle from now, I will stop birth control and start two different daily stimulation injections. We're going lower and slower with the dosing this time to avoid the hyper stimulation that lead to the removal of many immature eggs that did not lead to good, healthy embryos. After about ten days of stimulation, I will stop the lupron and blood thinners, and take one shot to trigger egg maturation. 36 hours later, the male Dr. B will remove about 15 eggs (the sweet spot amount) for fertilization in the lab, via needle. At that time, I'll start back on the blood thinners and add vaginal progesterone gel to my regimen--no progesterone in oil this time! Huzzah! Hopefully, about a week and a half later, a blood test will confirm that I am pregnant, and we will begin to plan for a pregnancy and then for a baby.

Did you follow all of that? Can you keep track? No? Honestly, I'm impressed that I can follow it myself.

My suggestion? Stay tuned to my Twitter and blog for updates as we go! If I've learned anything, it is that our quest for Wisebaby is full of twists, turns, and surprises. Let's just hope that this fall, we don't have our house coming down on top of us!

Seven Months Post-Op Visit

We visited with Dr. B(alls) a while ago about Wisehubby's latest semen analysis at his seven month post-varicocele repair visit. The news was mildly more encouraging than last time. Wisehubby's numbers have bounced in most of the major categories into a normal range. Only his morphology is holding on at a big, fat goose egg.

As a reminder, morphology is the shape of the sperm and is important because it can effect the sperm's ability to penetrate reach and penetrate the egg. A man only needs his normal count to be 4% or greater to be considered fertile, so the standard is set pretty low. Unfortunately, 0% normal morphology is considered to be just about terrible; you get a "Do not pass Go; report straight to IVF with ICSI" card when those are your results.

Dr. B(alls) counseled again that we be patient, as we were seeing improvement in Wisehubby's numbers, but the wait is not too far off at this point. He is hopeful that we may be able to get Wisehubby's normal morphology up to .5% or even 1%, which could mean less painful, invasive, and expensive ART treatments. How great would it be if we could do an IUI instead of IVF with ICSI?

We're not really hopeful that things are going to get much better; we are prepared mentally, emotionally, and financially for another round of IVF.  However, the increase in the rest of his numbers does at least make us feel as though the decision to pursue the varicocele repair was the right one. As Dr. B(alls) pointed out, science does not yet know what makes the inside of one sperm more viable than another when creating an embryo. Since we were able to improve quantifiable things about Wisehubby's little swimmers, then maybe the crazy mutants are healthier now than they used to be! This could help us have a more successful batch of embryos; we might even get to freeze a few. This could also help the transferred Wisebabies implant successfully, something that did not happen with our first round of IVF.

All in all, we are in a better place now than we were in a year ago. Yes, IVF is still looming on the horizon, but we're older, wiser, and varicocele free.

Time off for good behavior

After my last post, Wisesister called and suggested that my coping mechanisms weren't doing the trick. She commended me for using Twitter and Blogger to express my feelings, but pointed out that I was becoming increasingly negative and hopeless. She suggested that I take a break from the internet, talk to a counselor, and focus on the positive things while we waited for Wisehubby to heal. I was skeptical at first, but Wisesister gives the best advice, so I took it.

Wisehubby and I called the male Dr. B's office and asked for a referral to a counselor. We set up an appointment with Ms. B--no joke, we found another infertility medical professional with a last name beginning with B. It was a good visit, and it served to ease our fear that we were not communicating or handling our struggles in a constructive way. She commended us for being on the same page, and recommended that we try to take some time off to focus on our relationship. Our homework was to spend our summer vacation relaxing together, setting aside time once a week to have infertility check up chats. Her advice sounded shockingly like Wisesister's, so I felt a little silly for needing to spend some money to hear a second opinion.

We did great with focusing on our relationship this summer. Wisehubby and I have had little pool parties where we watch trashy TV or the Olympics several times a week. We went to movies and made new recipes. We drove 2,400 miles through Texas, New Mexico, and Colorado, camping for four days where we could not get cell phone reception.

When we were off of the grid and seeking shelter from an afternoon rain storm in Mesa Verde National Park, we talked about what our life would be like without kids. We could travel, spend time volunteering, give ourselves over to our students and Godchildren, spoil our dogs rotten, and generally have a good time. I think that talking specifically about how we could not just survive but ENJOY having our dream of children permanently deferred allowed us to relax about the future. We still want to conceive more than anything, but we know that no matter what, we've got a happy family, just the two of us.

We're nearing the end of summer, which brings new challenges to our plate. I'm at a new campus doing the same job next year, and Wisehubby is starting a new position after two years of chasing that promotion. We're also looking at the nine month post-op mark at the beginning of September, so I scheduled an IVF planning session with the male Dr. B today. It brought back a whole flood of feelings, but it wasn't overwhelming or depressing in the way it was four months ago. After all, taking time off for some good behavior was just what the doctor (Wisesister) ordered!

Now what

Today we got some news that has left me without direction for the first time since we started down the crazy rabbit hole of trying to conceive. Wisehubby visited Dr. B(alls) and found out that despite his surgical repair three months ago, his count, density, and morphology all stayed the same--bad. His motility rose slightly, but it is still well below normal, as well.

Originally, Dr. B(alls) told us that we could think about IVF six months after the surgery. Today, he recommended nine. NINE! That means that the soonest he recommends trying again based on Wisehubby's recovery is September. That will be almost full year after our first IVF try, two and a half since we started actively trying to conceive, and three and a half years since I went off of birth control pills.

On top of everything else, I don't even know if we could do September. I am a school teacher, and my work schedule is very inflexible. It was incredibly hard and painful to work through my last cycle, both physically and emotionally. I do not know if I want to do it again. Part of psyching myself up for a second, more aggressive, round of treatment was the knowledge that I would be doing it from the comfort of my living room on vacation; I could wallow with my swollen ovaries all day long.

That means that, if we follow the advice of the man who knows best, we may not get a chance to conceive until summer 2013. The thought of that GUTS me.

All of this to say, now what? Where do you go from here?

To bed.

Ball is in his court

We went for another follow-up with Dr. B(alls) today, and things are starting to look better for Wisehubby. His steri-strips came off, and he doesn't have the world's worst case of blue balls, just a bad case of them.

The ball is in Wisehubby's court now; it's time to ease back into real life and hope for the best. He's now allowed to take warm baths to help alternate hot and cold (icing) for comfort, and in a week he can return to his normal habits. His abnormal recovery still looks like it is functional, and Dr. B(alls) finally said that everything should go back to normal eventually. Apparently, the alternative to letting things stay wonky would have been a risky extra incision which could have lead to the demise of a testicle. So, we're pretty glad that Dr. B(alls) decided to play it safe when he had Wisehubby on his table.

Wisehubby is going to have a few more follow-ups, so that Dr. B(alls) can help him through the recovery. He'll do a follow-up semen analysis at months three and six, and that is when we'll know whether or not this extremely painful, expensive gamble has paid off. Here's hoping for the best!

Why his throat hurts

Wisehubby has been complaining about his sore throat that appeared because of his three-hour long intubation during his varicocele surgery. A lot. He's never complained this much about anything medically related before. He even has been talking in this weird whisper voice that my damaged ear drums can't manage to understand.

Finally, today, Wisehubby confessed to why he keeps bitching about his sore throat. He said, "My balls are sore and my abdomen is swollen; nothing seems to be going right." He complains about the sore throat because it is something that he seems to have some control over. He should be able to kick this, but he knows that his fertility issues and the new issues springing from his varicocele surgery mystery aren't going anywhere soon.

If I could just heal the hurt, I would, but I can't. So, until then, I'll try to understand what he's saying when he croaks at me softer than I can understand.

Well, balls!

I'm not going to get into major specifics here because I'm pretty sure Wisehubby would kill me for talking too graphically about his reproductive organs. Plus, I'd have to kill you, dear reader, if I knew you were spending too much time thinking about Wisehubby's reproductive parts.

As vaguely as an over-sharer like me can be, here is the story: his surgery went textbook perfectly on one side, and left things looking a wee bit abnormal on the other. His urologist brought him back in early for a follow-up and swears that the functionality should be fine. There may be ways to correct the abnormality in the future, if nature doesn't right itself.

I know that almost every time I post I use the expression "it's been tough", but I mean it this time. Wisehubby has been my rock and source of comfort through everything, but I've been struggling to do that for him. The first couple of days post-surgery, Wisehubby was sore and drugged and lying flat on his back, so that was pretty easy. I brought him ice, gave him medicine, cooked him dinner, and even learned to mow the lawn. Since he started being more mobile, it's been harder to baby him and keep him from comforting me.

I know Wisehubby doesn't like being made a fuss of, but he does deserve to be treated that way. I learned to love aggressively from my family, and I am so grateful that they have supported me in loving him aggressively both this week and during our entire marriage. Wisesister called a couple of times a day, just to check in, since she couldn't make the drive out to see Wisehubby. My parents didn't ask if they could bring lunch; instead, they asked, "What would you like us to bring over for lunch?"

So, my family, his family, our friends, and I fought the good fight this week, but I don't think it's made much of a difference. Wisehubby has had a long string of bad news related to his manhood, and it is starting to take a major toll. First, he's got weird-shaped sperm. Then, his hormone levels are off and he has low count, too. Then, he's told that IVF with ICSI will overcome our problems, but none of our 22 fertilized eggs survive either in the womb or for freezing. Finally, his urologist offers the panacea of varicocele repair, a painful surgery that will supposedly improve many of these issues and the health of embryos in the early stages of growth. Of course, you know how that works out.

What's hurting Wisehubby isn't the longer than anticipated incisions, or his swollen and bruised man-parts, or even the sore throat that he developed because of intubation. What's hurting him is that he feels like he's failing. He longs for a family; you can see it in the way he plays with our niece and our friends' children. He knows how much I long for a family; he's never been able to say no or disappoint me. He knows how much our families long for Wisebaby; he wants our children to grow up surrounded by love. He knows how much our friends ache to see our desires fulfilled; they talk about the day that we have prayed for for so long. So, yeah, he's not just disappointing himself or me, but a whole slew of people that he would do anything for.

So, we'll just have to keep trying to love Wisehubby aggressively as he deals with another set-back. Well, we can also make a few good ball jokes along the way; he seems to like those.

Our visit to the ball doctor, and the new plan

Our Visit to the Ball Doctor

Today we visited Wisehubby's urologist, our third Dr. B (b is for balls?), for a follow-up to months of hormone therapy and our IVF cycle. So, it has been a day filled with ball jokes, one of the only ways that Wisehubby can get past the disappointment he feels in his body. #balljoke

Surprisingly, our failed IVF was informative for Dr. B(alls). He basically said that losing so many of the embryos and having neither of the transferred embryos take means that there is likely something else wrong with Wisehubby's sperm, something that you can't see under the microscope. This poor quality is, according to his theory, what caused our early pregnancy loss and the lack of good embryos for freezing.

Dr. B(alls)'s solution is to do a surgery to close off the extra veins that are "backing up traffic"--his words, not mine--in Wisehubby's testicles. All that extra blood is super-heating and mutating his junk, so that is no good. Dr. B(alls) says that, in his experience, even if the sperm doesn't look better under the microscope afterward, the rate of pregnancy with IVF goes way up.

The recovery for this surgery takes about seven days before the pain subsides.  For optimal results, Dr. B(alls) said that we need to wait six months before trying IVF again. This, of course, bumps up against what we had talked to the male Dr. B about, which brings me to the second half of this blog.

The New Plan

After our WTF follow-up visit with the male Dr. B, we started to formulate our new plan for conceiving our Wisebabies. The male Dr. B suggested that we were unsuccessful in our IVF cycle because "there is some element of chance." He would change very little about my protocol if we were to try again. Dr. B would reduce the initial doses of stimulation drugs, and add menopur, a hormone to support stimulation, just in case. We're also double-checking that I do not have an autoimmune disorder, a precaution that required seven vials of blood.

The male Dr. B did talk with us about how to afford further treatments, since being a public school teacher is not exactly lucrative. That was very helpful.

We tentatively decided to do our second IVF cycle over our fifth wedding anniversary next June because the time seems to be right with our work schedules. This now conflicts with the proposed surgery to correct Wisehubby's rogue veins.

Luckily, Dr. B(alls) offered to squeeze Wisehubby in for surgery next week, which is the last time he'll have available to take a week off to rest post-surgery for while. That means that we'll likely be able to do our second round of IVF next July. Here's an even better scenario: Next July, we will be able to try artificial insemination because Dr. B(alls) delivered on his promise to improve Wisehubby's sperm quality.

Regardless, we've got a plan that we're comfortable with. Thank goodness we're still moving forward, because, for the last seven weeks, I've felt like I have been spinning my tires.

I am a woman.

At a women's group luncheon at church, we were doing some visioning because we have a female pastor on staff for the first time in years. The women's group has fallen apart a bit, by and by, and so we were discussing what we wanted out of it. This naturally lead to a discussion of the importance of not making it something available only to one generation, but to get women, especially younger women, to participate. Then, someone posed the question of what we were defining a younger woman to be. Then came the answer that I least wanted to hear: Someone who has young children.

What does that mean for me? Am I not a woman? Does my childless status somehow disqualify me as being a real woman?

I am sure that the woman didn't mean offense, but there is this sense that a woman is not really fulfilled until she has a child. That her life somehow lacks purpose or meaning. That she is not a woman. She's still just a girl in a grown-up body.

Well, I'm fucking sorry that my grown-up body rejected the only baby that my husband and I have managed to make in our five years of marriage. I'm sorry that despite shelling out $16, 000 for invitro fertilization, all I have to show for it is a fridge full of meds, a box full of needles, and a picture of two blastocysts that were washed out of me by a river of blood nine days after they went in. Oh, yes, I forgot that I've also got a heart that's been broken three times over.

I wanted to scream and shout about it at church, but that wouldn't have been very proper, so I am doing it here.

I am a real woman.

I am not defined by my womb.

I am not childish.

I am devestated.

I am surviving.

I am childless.

I am tired.


I am.

Stepping away for a bit

As Wisesister told me, sometimes you just can't think about your grief because you have to keep moving. I've been on a vacation from my grief for the last couple of weeks. Between Thanksgiving vacation and a trip to Austin, it has been tough to keep up with my Twitter feed and blog.

So you know, I'm down, but not out. I'll probably just take a break between now and our December urology appointment so that I can get through the next nine school days without murdering a middle school student. I'll get you all updated on our WTF appointment and plans for the future at that time. Until then, Merry Christmas and let's all start praying for a much happier new year.

Complete Quest For Wisebaby Timeline

I'm going to simplify my time line that is in my sidebar, but I want to keep track of my shots (42 for IVF 1, 368 for IVF 2) and countless other sticks, prods, and procedures.

April 2009--Quit birth control
May 2010--Actively started TTC
November 7, 2010--Positive pregnancy test
November 17, 2010--Miscarriage
June 2011--OB/GYN visit regarding our struggles TTC, referral to RE
June 2011--Blood tests for Wiselady, normal
June 2011--Sperm analysis for Wisehubby, abnormal morphology
June 2011--HSG for Wiselady, normal
July 2011--Meeting with RE, discuss IUI and IVF with ICSI
August 2011--Second sperm analysis, low-count, low motility, and low morphology, Meeting with RE, IUI ruled out, IVF with ICSI plan developed
August 2011--Office hysteroscopy for Wiselady, normal
August 2011--Transvaginal sonogram for Wiselady, normal
September 2011--Mock transfer for Wiselady, normal
October 3, 2011--CD 21, Start IVF cycle with transvaginal sonogram (two small cysts on right ovary) and lupron start appointment for Wiselady
October 4, 2011--CD 22, Lupron injection
October 5, 2011--CD 23, Lupron injection
October 6, 2011--CD 24, Lupron injection
October 7, 2011--CD 25, Lupron injection
October 8, 2011--CD 26, Lupron injection
October 9, 2011--CD 27, Lupron injection
October 10, 2011--CD 28, Lupron injection
October 11, 2011--CD 1, Lupron injection
October 12, 2011--CD 2, Lupron injection
October 13, 2011--CD 3, Lupron injection
October 14, 2011--CD 4, Lupron injection
October 15, 2011--CD 5, Lupron injection
October 16, 2011--CD 6, Lupron injection, Follistim injection
October 17, 2011--CD 7, Lupron injection, Follistim injection
October 18, 2011--CD 8, Lupron injection, Follistim injection
October 19, 2011--CD 9, Lupron injection, transvaginal sonogram and blood work for Wiselady, 17 follicles on left ovary, 17 follicles on right ovary, blood work good, dosage lowered, Follistim injection
October 20, 2011--CD 10, Lupron injection, Follistim injection
October 21, 2011--CD 11, Lupron injection, transvaginal sonogram and blood work for Wiselady, a lot of ripe follies on both ovaries, Follistim injection
October 22, 2011--CD 12, Lupron injection, transvaginal sonogram and blood work for Wiselady (both on target) , Follistim injection
October 23, 2011--CD 13, Lupron injection, Follistim injection
October 24, 2011--CD 14, Lupron injection, transvaginal sonogram and blood work for Wiselady (both on target), date set for egg retrieval, Ovidrel injection aka the trigger shot
October 25, 2011--CD 15, A rare day off--no meds. no appointments!!
October 26, 2011--CD 16, 33 eggs retrieved, 25 eggs fertilized, Wiselady's 26th half-birthday
October 27, 2011--CD 17, 1 DPR, 15 embryos growing, our wait begins
October 28, 2011--CD 18, 2 DPR, progesterone injection
October 29, 2011--CD 19, 3 DPR, 2 progesterone injections b/c Wisehubby mistakenly drew only 1/2 mg and didn't notice before he stuck me, 4 excellent embryos, 7 good embryos, 2 average embryos, and 2 poor embryos
October 30, 2011--CD 20, 4 DPR, progesterone injection
October 31, 2011--CD 21, Embryo Transfer of two beautiful embies, progesterone injection
November 1, 2011--1 DPT, progesterone injection, bed rest, no embryos for freezing
November 2, 2011--2 DPT, progesterone injection, AM bed rest, back to work
November 3, 2011--3 DPT, progesterone injection
November 4, 2011--4 DPT, progesterone injection
November 5, 2011--5 DPT, progesterone injection
November 6, 2011--6 DPT, progesterone injection, HPT BFN
November 7, 2011--7 DPT, progesterone injection, HPT BFN
November 8, 2011--8 DPT, progesterone injection, HPT BFN, Spotting
November 9, 2011--9 DPT, progesterone injection, pregnancy blood test, BFN, official fail/end of IVF w/ICSI #1
November 13, 2011--CD 1, first period after failed IVF cycle
November 28, 2011--WTF appointment with RE, no real answers
December 19, 2011--Follow-up with the urologist, decided to do varicocele repair surgery on Wisehubby, seven vials of blood drawn to check Wiselady for autoimmune disorders
December 28, 2011--Varicocele repair for Wisehubby
January 2, 2011--Emergency follow-up for Wisehubby, things don't look "normal" on one side, but Dr. B(alls) thinks that his testicles are functional
January 9, 2011--Post-op with Dr. B(alls), normal recovery on L, abnormal and slow recovery on R, things are improving
January 31, 2012--Follow-up with Dr. B(alls), abnormal recovery, but function is fine
February 22, 2012--Wiselady diagnosed with Factor V clotting disorder
April 10, 2012--Wisehubby is put into a holding pattern because of no improvement post-varicocele repair.
July 7, 2012--Wisehubby's semen analysis shows normal counts in all measures except morphology, which is still 0% normal. Holding pattern continues.
September 5, 2012--Wisehubby's final semen analysis leads to this advice from his urologist, "At this point, I've done all that I can. I'm sending you back to the male Dr. B with the recommendation of IVF with ICSI."
September 5, 2012--IVF Planning meeting with RE
September 18, 2012--Mock transfer and cervical dilation
September 25, 2012--CD 1
September 26, 2012--CD 2, FSH blood test, birth control pill, lovenox injection
September 27, 2012--CD 3, birth control pill, lovenox injection
September 28, 2012--CD 4, birth control pill, lovenox injection, a visit to the hospital to welcome my nephew into the world!
September 29, 2012--CD 5, birth control pill, lovenox injection
September 30, 2012--CD 6, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 1, 2012--CD 7, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 2, 2012--CD 8, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 3, 2012--CD 9, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 4, 2012--CD 10, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 5, 2012--CD 11, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 6, 2012--CD 12, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 7, 2012--CD 13, birth control pill, lovenox injection
October 8, 2012--CD 14, birth control pill, lupron injection, transvaginal ultrasound, lovenox injection
October 9, 2012--CD 15, birth control pill, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 10, 2012--CD 16, birth control pill, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 11, 2012--CD 17, birth control pill, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 12, 2012--CD 18, birth control pill, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 13, 2012--CD 19, birth control pill, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 14, 2012--CD 20, birth control pill, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 15, 2012--CD 21, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 16, 2012--CD 22, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 17, 2012--CD 23, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 18, 2012--CD 1, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 19, 2012--CD 2, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 20, 2012--CD 3, lupron injection, lovenox injection
October 21, 2012--CD 4, lupron injection, menopur injection, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 22, 2012--CD 5, lupron injection, menopur injection, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 23, 2012--CD 6, lupron injection, menopur injection, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 24, 2012--CD 7, lupron injection, transvaginal ultrasound, 12 follicles growing in each ovary, blood draw, follistim injection, menopur injection, lovenox injection
October 25, 2012--CD 8, lupron injection, menopur injection, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 26, 2012--CD 9, lupron injection, transvaginal ultrasound, blood draw, menopur injection, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 27, 2012--CD 10, lupron injection, transvaginal ultrasound, blood draw, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 28, 2012--CD 11, lupron injection, follistim injection, lovenox injection
October 29, 2012--CD 12, lupron injection, transvaginal ultrasound, blood draw, ovidrel injection
October 30, 2012--CD 13, a rare day off!
October 31, 2012--CD 14, retrieval of 19 eggs, lovenox injection
November 1, 2012--CD 15, 19 eggs were mature and fertilized using ICSI, 13 show signs of growth today, lovenox injection
November 2, 2012--CD 16, crinone gel, lovenox
November 3, 2012--CD 17, crinone gel, lovenox, 8 excellent, 2 good, and 3 poor embryos
November 4, 2012--CD 18, crinone gel, lovenox
November 5, 2012--CD 19, transferred one AA blastocyst and one AB blastocyst, lovenox, bedrest
November 6, 2012--CD 20, 1 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox, bedrest
November 7, 2012--CD 21, 2 DPT, crinone gel, morning bedrest, lovenox
November 8, 2012--CD 22, 3 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox
November 9, 2012--CD 23, 4 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox
November 10, 2012--CD 24, 5 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox
November 11, 2012--CD 25, 6 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox, POAS BFP!
November 12, 2012--CD 26, 7 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox, POAS STILL BFP!
November 13, 2012--CD 27, 8 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox, POAS SERIOUSLY BFP!
November 14, 2012--CD 28, 9 DPT, crinone gel, pregnancy blood test BFP! (112 HCG), lovenox, POAS for fun
November 15, 2012--10 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox
November 16, 2012--11 DPT, crinone gel, beta blood test (260!), lovenox
November 17, 2012--12 DPT, crinone gel, lovenox
November 18, 2012--13 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 19, 2012--14 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 20, 2012--15 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 21, 2012--16 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 22, 2012--17 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 23, 2012--18 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 24, 2012--19 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 25, 2012--20 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 26, 2012--21 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 27, 2012--22 DPT crinone gel, lovenox
November 28, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox
November 29, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox
November 30, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox
December 1, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox
December 2, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox
December 3, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 4, 2012--6 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 5, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, obstetrical ultrasound (heart rate 131 BPM and measuring 10.58 mm), lovenox

December 6, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 7, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 8, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 9, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 10, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 11, 2012--7 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 12, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 13, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 14, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 15, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 16, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 17, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 18, 2012--8 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 19, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, first visit with my obstetrician, vaginal exam and culture, lovenox
December 20, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, visit to my GP for an upper respiratory infection, Z-pack, nasal spray, lovenox

December 21, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, Z-pack, nasal spray, lovenox

December 22, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, Z-pack, nasal spray, lovenox

December 23, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, Z-pack, nasal spray, lovenox

December 24, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, Z-pack, nasal spray, lovenox

December 25, 2012--9 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 26, 2012--10 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 28, 2012--10 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 29, 2012--10 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 30, 2012--10 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

December 31, 2012--10 weeks pregnant! crinone gel, lovenox

January 1, 2013--10 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 2, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 3, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 4, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 5, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 6, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 7, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 8, 2013--11 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 9, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 10, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 11, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 12, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 13, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 14, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 15, 2013--12 weeks pregnant! lovenox

January 16, 2013--13 weeks pregnant! Trip to OB, first doppler (148 BPM), blood draw (anemic), lovenox

January 17-22, 2013--13 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
January 23-29, 2013--14 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
January 30-February 5, 2013--15 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
February 6-12, 2013--16 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
February 13, 2013--17 weeks pregnant! Trip to OB, doppler (142 BPM), lovenox  and iron
February 14-19, 2013--17 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
February 20-26, 2013--18 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
February 27, 2013--19 weeks pregnant! Trip to sonographer (11 ounces, 142 BPM, it's a boy!), lovenox and iron
February 28-March 5, 2013--19 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
March 6-12, 2013--20 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
March 13-19, 2013--21 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
March 18, 2013--OB appointment, 148 BPM
March 20-26, 2013--22 Weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
March 27-April 2, 2013--23 Weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
April 3-9, 2013--24 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
April 10-16, 2013--25 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
April 17-23, 2013--26 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
April 18, 2013--OB appointment, 150 BPM, glucose test (good), blood test (anemic)
April 23, 2013--Bizarre headache with sparkles in vision and speech aphasia, resolves itself
April 24-30, 2013--27 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
May 1-7, 2013--28 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
May 6, 2013--Second bizarre headache sends us to the emergency room where we learn that baby is doing great
May 8-14, 2013--29 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
May 8, 2013--Neurologist confirms that bizarre headaches are just weird migraines.
May 15-21, 2013--30 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
May 16, 2013--OB appointment, 132 BPM
May 22-28, 2013--31 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
May 29-June 4, 2013--32 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
May 30, 2013--OB appointment, 134 BPM
June 5-11, 2013--33 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
June 12-18, 2013--34 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
June 13, 2013--OB appointment, 146 BPM
June 19-25, 2013--35 weeks pregnant! daily lovenox shots and iron
June 26, 2013--Start of maternity leave because the school year finally wraps up
June 26-July 2, 2013--36 weeks pregnant! twice daily heparin shots and iron
June 27, 2013--OB appointment, cervical exam, head down, 1-2 cm dialated, 80% effaced, guessed to weigh 6 lbs.
June 28, 2013--lost mucus plug and packed suitcase, started heparin
July 3-7, 2013--37 weeks pregnant! twice daily heparin shots and iron
July 8, 2013--37 weeks 5 days pregnant! one heparin shot, iron, 10:45 AM doctor's visit, 4 cm dialated, 90% effaced, 4:15 PM water breaks, 10:15 PM delivery of a healthy baby boy
July 9-August 19, 2013--First 6 weeks as a mommy! daily lovenox shots
June 16, 2014--FET planning meeting

July 2, 2014--FSH blood test, normal

July 7, 2014--Hysteroscopy, normal

July 21, 2014--Mock transfer for FET

July 28, 2014--Start FET cycle with estradiol and lovenox 

July 28-August 8, 2014--Daily estradiol pills and lovenox

August 8, 2014--Transvaginal sono

August 9-15, 2014--Daily estradiol pills, lovenox injection, and progesterone in oil injection

August 15, 2014--Frozen Embryo Transfer of one beautiful day 6 blast that had just started hatching

August 15-September 2, 2014--Daily estradiol pills, lovenox injection, and progesterone in oil injection

September 2, 2014--HSG Blood Test, levels good

September 4, 2014--HSG Blood Test, levels not rising fast enough

September 8, 2014--HSG Blood Test, levels not rising fast enough

September 10, 2014--Sono shows a slow growing gestational sack

September 24, 2014--Sono shows a fetus with no heart beat

September 2-24, 2014--Daily estradiol pills, lovenox injection, and progesterone in oil injection

September 25, 2014--Stop all medicine to invite miscarriage
September 29, 2014--Began to miscarry

A quake and its aftershock

I've got family and friends who live in Oklahoma, and so I have been keeping an eye on the earthquakes they've been having there this week. That entire state is going through mother nature's sick, twisted games.

Last weekend, they had a freeze, earthquakes, and tornadoes all in the matter of three days. This is in a state that never quite recovers from the last devastating fire/drought/ices storm/tornado/hottest summer on record before mother nature unleashes the next surprise. The earthquakes are definitely the shit sprinkles on top of their shit cupcake of natural disasters.

My life has been a lot like Oklahoma in the last year since our miscarriage, and I keep thinking that I'm going to catch a break just around the next corner. I was practically perky during my IVF cycle, which I don't think is a normal emotional response to being constantly prodded in your uterus, stuck with needles, and pumped full of hormones. My positive attitude was a direct result of thinking that I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead, we had another earthquake yesterday morning. On my potty run in between Student Council and first period, I noticed that I had started bleeding; my world was shaken apart. It turned out to just be spotting, but, combined with three big, fat negatives (BFN) on home pregnancy tests, I knew that my hope was unfounded. This was not going to be a happy ending. Our Wise-embies didn't take hold in my uterus. Our family is going to be just two people for another year.

The aftershock came today. I had to go into my RE's for a blood test anyway, even though I knew exactly what was going on with my body. "Well, you need to complete your file. Plus, you never know," says the unhelpful nurse.

So, in between our end-of-the-day tornado drill and practice lock-down drill--what is our world coming too?--I finally heard back from the RE. Sure enough, it's a negative. My world was rocked, but just a little. I'm not even shocked.

So, I texted my support group, which grew leaps and bounds throughout the process, to let them know what was up. I arranged for Wisehubby to eat dinner with my in-laws, since I have to go to my graduate class, where I happen to be typing this blog. I found Wisehubby before I left for the day, told him the news, gave him a big hug, and left him still shaking.

What am I going to do after my earthquakes? Maybe I'll weep and cry and gnash my teeth. Maybe I'll come up with a new action plan.

Let's just hope that a tornado doesn't blow through.

Male Factor Infertility

With our egg retrieval scheduled for Wednesday, I've thought a lot over the last few days about our infertility. It's male factor, which is a blessing and a curse.

What does our male factor infertility look like? 
Well, Wisehubby has the double whammy of hormonal imbalance and varicocele veins.

What exactly does all of that mean? How is that a curse? 
The hormones lower his count and motility. These things are treatable in the short term with hormone therapy using Tamoxifen to lower estrogen production. Unfortunately, this is not a great long term solution as fertility treatment is not covered by insurance. Furthermore, the hormone treatments have increased how much sperm he produces and how well it swims, but we have another problem.

Wisehubby's varicocele veins super-heat his man factory. This is what gives him 0% normal morphology, our real problem. Abnormal morphology means that the sperm is misshapen and cannot penetrate the egg. Corrective surgery has only been touted as a serious option by one of three consulted medical professionals--of course, that professional was the doctor trying to sell Wisehubby the surgery. Female-centered fertility treatments are also limited for couples with such poor morphology. Cheaper alternatives like IUI and drug therapy do not address the core issue: how do you get the misshapen sperm into an egg?

Do I consider myself an infertile?
Yes. God blessed me with a sound reproductive system, but I am also bound in Christian marriage to Wisehubby. I have been given just this one person to build a family with, and we are determined to be parents. For as long as we both can remember, having a stable, happy family has been our number one goal in life. His infertility is my infertility. His sorrow is my sorrow. If I have to give myself shots everyday for weeks and undergo two separate surgeries to conceive his children, then my pain is his pain.

So, what's the blessing part of all this? 
That all sounded pretty terrible, huh? Well, male factor infertility has some of the highest success rates for IVF, especially with ICSI, a technique that involves injecting good sperm into eggs in order to bypass the morphology problems.

My uterus is young and healthy, and my ovaries have been overachieving by everyone's standards throughout this IVF cycle. My womb is going to be a happy healthy home to our embie babies, and I have a lower chance of miscarriage than if I had one or more of the issues that plague so many infertile women.

Plus, I'll never have to take birth control again. Since I hated what the hormones did to my body and libido, that is wonderful news.

We're not alone. You're not alone.

I don't exactly have a booming audience yet; I have had 20 page views. I am pretty sure that 10 of them have been mine and most of the rest have been my sister's. I like to look at the color scheme because it's the color scheme of my fertility-challenged alter-ego. The Wise Lady everyone else knows would have gone with red, but that is neither here nor there.  There have been three page views from Russia, so that's exciting. If I knew a Russian greeting, I'd use it.

Anyway, I write this to say--if you are out there--please know that you're not alone.

Wisehubby and I have felt a bit like we're the only twenty-somethings out there struggling with fertility issues for a while now. Sometimes while waiting at the RE (reproductive endrocrinologist for all you fertility newbs), I feel the other--older--women burning holes in my uterus with their mind lasers. I get it; I probably look a little fresh faced for fertility treatments, but I'm there--so deal.

Anyway, I found out tonight that a dear friend of mine from college is dealing with almost the exact same issue as us at practically the exact same time. I'm not sure what made me call her, but I did. It was hard to come out and tell her about our infertility, but she lead with, "Oh, God, you're not calling to tell me you're pregnant; are you?" I had a feeling that my message was about to land on sympathetic ears.

Turns out, they've got some several male factor infertility that's not related to environment or injury, too! Don't get me wrong, I am NOT happy to hear this. I am a bit relieved, though. Dear-friend was, too. She suggested that our hubby's could support each other. I don't know if that is going to happen, as Wisehubby is very reluctant to open up about this stuff, but I am happy to know that he now has the option. Sometimes, the choice is what makes the difference.

It will be interesting to see how our paths diverge. We're headed towards IVF with ICSI like an express train, and I think they're looking at the urology side of things first. I'm just happy to know that I can pick up to phone and talk to someone who knows exactly what I am going through. She even liked my crack about asking for a print out of my next vaginal sonogram. Success!

Let me recap for you the moral to this really rambling story (no, I haven't been sleeping like I should): WE'RE NOT ALONE! Good news, you're not alone either.

Come join Dear-friend and I in the club of women who are sad about their empty uteruses and the fact that they can't seem to do anything to make their husbands feel better about it. It's a small club, but I'm trying to keep things exclusive.