Waiting

Today I did a mock transfer so that Dr. B can be sure he knows the geography of my womb and get the catheter with the embryo in the right spot. It's a very quick, fairly painless procedure, but it requires a full bladder. Even though I cut back from 32 to 24 ounces of water based on my previous experiences, I still was scolded by the sonographer that I was too compliant and should have "let off a little pressure" in the restroom before the mock transfer. I wish I had known while I was sitting there with my full bladder, waiting for my appointment that was 30 minutes late! Eep! I can't believe I didn't wet myself, to be honest.

Anyway, all was good and should be smooth next month. Now, I'm just waiting for my period, excited for it for one of the few times in my life.

The Other Shoe

When you're battling infertility and walking the path towards conception, you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. We must have an amazing shoe wardrobe because it seemed to be years of escalating bad news, plenty of dropping shoes:

miscarriage

zero normal morphology

low testosterone (pills)

low count

failed IVF

no embryos for freezing

Leiden Factor V blood clotting disorder

bizarre physical effect of varicocele surgery

no improvement in sperm morphology or count after varicocele surgery

lower testosterone (more pills)

lower testosterone (shots)

induction instead of normal delivery

lots and lots of blood thinner delivered through lots and lots of shots

Finally it seemed that we'd go barefoot for a while. We had Wisebaby. He came via the natural start of labor that I had given up on. He weighed the right amount, and he was a nice height. Perfectly average. We could breath easy and wander around, letting the grass and sand and and carpet and water tickle between our toes. 

I've realized though, that I never gave up holding my breath for some sort of set-back. We've taken them all in, seething, grieving, adjusting, surviving, thriving. I keep waiting for some major set-back to happen with Wisebaby, and it has and it hasn't. Yeah, he's stubbornly refusing to walk even after his first birthday. Yeah, he wouldn't eat solid food for a while, four months if you must know. Yeah, he's been doing crazy things with his nap schedule since day one. Yeah, he's been to the doctor a lot--slow gainer after birth, tongue tie, nursing difficulties, five ear infections, RSV, strep throat, hand foot and mouth, rashes, colds, and ear tubes. Through it all, I've said to Wisehubby a million times, "I know he's been sick a lot, but don't we have just the best kid?"

Maybe a lot of other mommas would freak out as the shoes all start dropping, but I've just sort of been rolling with the parenting punches the way I learned to roll with them when we were just TRYING to become parents. Maybe we had a bit more practice at dashed hopes and altered expectations than the average fertile couple? As it is, I'm holding my breath and waiting to see if a shoe will drop on us during this frozen embryo transfer cycle. If it does, we'll just dodge it and keep on trucking.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good:

We're rolling on down to our FET. Just one more procedure stands in our way, a mock transfer. Other than having to fill and hold your bladder, that's an easy and comfortable procedure, relative to everything else. We're on track for a FET during the week of August 11-14, which would put us on track for an early May baby! The best part of the timing is that both Wisehubby and myself are off work for the last time before school starts up that week. Couldn't be better!

The Bad:

Dr. B's bedside manner, or lack thereof, just continues to astound me. If he wasn't "holding our embryo hostage" as Wisehubby puts it, we'd be working with another doctor. I was there for a hysteroscopy exactly a week ago, and he didn't remember. It's fine if you don't remember, but at least look at my chart in advance of the appointment, dumb ass. He also asked about 10 questions that we paid $50 copay to answer about one month ago, and he also didn't read his notes from that appointment. Ugh.

The Ugly:

I had to get a script for Lovenox today. Joy. As much as I look forward for the possibility of another pregnancy and Wisebaby, I do not look forward to a daily injection of blood thinner. It's the ugliest aspect of this whole thing.

Clear for take off

In the last week I've had an FSH blood test and a hysteroscopy to make sure that I'm not suffering from any new complications since it has been a long time since I've done a work-up. I got the call last week that my hormones are A-OK, and today I got to see for myself that that my uterus is looking pretty during the hysteroscopy. What's next? Just a follow-up/planning session, a med order, and a period. Then, frozen embryo transfer, here we come!

The hysteroscopy is something that a lot of people dislike. I would put it on par with having a pap smear. The speculum is very uncomfortable, but it was removed as soon as the scope was in place. After that, you can just watch the monitor in amazement as your doctor points out the pin point holes that are your tubes. It's pretty cool. A little leakage and very mild cramping are the only side effects.

I'm feeling pretty stressed out right now, which I think is a combination of a lot of factors. A good friend of mine is going through a divorce, Wisebaby is turning one and getting ear tubes, we are getting our windows replaced and they keep pushing back the date, and then there is the make or break feeling of unfreezing our one and only embryo for the transfer. I had a pretty big melt down yesterday when I dropped Wisebaby's smash cake and destroyed the icing job before his birthday party. My husband saved the day, again, some more, but I think it was a good indicator that I'm more stressed than I would like and that I was letting myself think. I'm going to keep doing my yoga and trying to relax because I want to be a happy, healthy body for our frozen Wisebaby.

Anyway, that isn't my most well-conceived blog post--fertility pun intended--but, then again, we all just conceive however we can!